I can't believe it's almost Isaiah's birthday. Two weeks. I have been looking back over this past year. Reflecting on God's faithfulness. To me. To my little family. We have come a long way since this time last year. Physically, we treked from one coast to the other. But spiritually, we have gone even further. I don't think that it's any coincidence that both happened at the same time.
You know, I came home from the hospital. Womb empty. Head spinning. Reality feeling like a bad dream. I couldn't believe that I, Me had been the one. The woman to leave the hospital without her baby. The one to cradle her child that did not have the physical breath of life in his body. It was too much. It was so dark and overwhelming. I remember just praying with every ounce of strength that was left in my labored-all-day body and my spinning mind and telling God "I know what's coming (the social worker had just given me a long speech about grief, depression, she put a timeline on me...it's ok to not be ok for a couple of months and then your going to need to reach out to someone as if already telling me that I would never get out of the grief and as I cradled him, I knew that I wouldn't...be okay in 2 months?) but I know, God, I have to walk through this. This valley of the shadow of death. Grief. And, me and You both know that it's going to take longer than two months and that already overwhelms me. Father, please don't leave me. Walk every step of this grief process with me. I don't know what this is going to look like and I'm scared. I don't want to be depressed. I want to be faithful. To you and to my family. To be an example to Walker. Not hiding our grief but showing him how we walk through it with You." There is not alot that I remember from those first few days but that prayer, I do. So this post is not to reflect on Candace. If it was about me I don't even want to know what this grief process would look like but this has been on my heart to add to this blog how God has walked with me through grief and given me wisdom to have an abundance of joy in the midst of grief. Maybe it will encourage someone else that is sitting there, crying through the pillow, wondering how in the world will I ever get through this.
1. Friends. I sent that message to my friend that had also lost a baby "how in the world will I get through this" her reply: You will because God will get you through it. One thing that I would say is reach out to those that have "been there" No one truly knows the crushed heart except someone who has had it crushed and pieced back together by God's faithful binding. Faithful friends who know. God will put them in your path if you ask. I already knew some and yet, God gave me even more. I was so scared when the reality hit that we were moving to a different state 4 months after having Isaiah. No one will know and it takes so long to meet and build a relationship to the point where you learn that they may have lost a child too. Walker was worried about "new" friends one night while I was tucking him in (in San Diego) and before I knew the words that had just come off my lips, I said "let's pray now boldly that God will have friends waiting on us when we get there. His eyes lit up and so did mine, a little freaked out at how that seemed to put God on the spot! But we prayed and asked and guess what...He answered. My friend in California lived here in VA before and gave me numbers and contacts for alot of her friends here. Seriously, while I was still unpacking, I met one of them at Chic-Fil-A and Walker and her little boy played. About a week later, we met about 3 others at the park! At church, I noticed that there was a bible study group called "Joy in the Mourning" for women who have experienced infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirth. I emailed the leader and shortly after, joined this bible study where I have met some godly women at all stages of walking through the grief of child loss (what all of them can be summed up to be).
2. A few days. I delivered Isaiah on a Tuesday. My Mama flew in that day. Praise the Lord. She did everything. Cleaned my house, washed my clothes, played with Walker, fed us, etc. I did nothing. I did, take a shower. Another piece of advice, take a shower. My husband even accidentally bought this shampoo that makes your head tingle but it was heavenly. Okay, back to what I was saying. The day after, I was a mess, crying at random times, trying to get in touch with the hospital to let them know what we decided to do with his body. Struggled to make it through those phone calls. She asked "you're Isaiah's mommy?" and I lost it. lost it. We were so blessed by having him at a hospital that truly valued the tiniest life. The next few days, we were at the funeral home making cremation arrangements and that weekend we had a memorial ceremony at church to honor his 19 weeks of earthly life. My Mama was leaving on Monday and my husband had to go back to work (which thankfully was just across the street). This thought overwhelmed me and then I thought "ok. I have a choice to make. Either dread and be overcome with fear because everyone is leaving and going back to their regular schedule. I also have a child to take care of that needs me. Or I can claim God's strength and remember that He is with me, get up on routine like everyone else and go on. Not, go on as in forget or pretend it never happened (that's not possible) but move on through life even if I'm crying ever step of the way." So i gave myself those few days that my Mama was there to do nothing and sleep in if I wanted and then I determined that Monday morning I would get up, make my bed, homeschool Walker (Thank you, Lord that it was just pre-k) and as much as my physical body could handle, we would do.
3. Get out of the house. One week. Seriously, exactly one week. Walker and I were at the train museum. I met a friend and her baby and we also had a picnic at the park. My back was killing me (that epidural that they gave me was horrific). But, I took an ibuprofen and I watched Walker run and talked to my sweet friend. Not about the events of the past week. She and I had already talked about that when she came to bring me a pumpkin spice latte and chicken salad when my Mama was in town. Nope, we talked about random things. So thankful for her heart and wisdom to just be normal with me. We also, went to our Mom's Connect group at church that week. Great friends that truly were the body of Christ to my family. With them also, everyone already knew what we had been through so we didn't talk about it, we talked about what shows were good on Netflix, how we missed the South, what we wanted to do in California, what orders we hoped that our husband's got next, etc. I would bring pregnancy or Isaiah up and there was no pity just listening. Walker ran and played and I had coffee and visited. It was heavenly and like food to my soul. Also, Hobby Lobby was a weekly trip for us. The pumpkins were out. God knew the best time for me to go through the worst time...Fall! Walker and I bought a few little "happies" everytime we went. Pumpkins to decorate, Pumpkin spice candles, etc. Just anything to get out of the house...we did!
4. Reading. First and foremost, there is NO substitute for God's pure and holy word. His word is the very food to the soul. His promises are what got me through more than anything else. Knowing the hope that I have. That my grief looked different because I have hope. Isaiah and I are just seperated for a time (in the grand scheme of things, a short time) and then I will be forever with him. That hope. That hope gets me through the dark. That hope I can say, boldly, has been my anchor. I have been storm tossed. But THAT anchor has held me steady. Read his word. The Psalms are a great place to be in times of grief. It seems God has led me back to the Psalms all year long when I'm in my quiet time in the mornings. But I also read a book on Heaven (by Randy Alcorn). The most biblically based Heaven book out there (as far as I know). I hungered to know all there was to know, humanly possible about Heaven. I know that I should have dug in before but when your child (part of you) is there then that hunger to know about Heaven will never be greater.
5. Be joyful for others. I cannot sit here and act like this has been easy or that there have be times through this all that I have not struggled to be joyful, to not be bitter. It's hard, yall. I'm flesh and bones. But the most miserable that I have been through all of this has been when I entertained thoughts of jealousy, "why her's?," "why not me's?" envy which breeds and I mean breeds fast that evil little thing called discontentment. It was around Christmas when I first heard in my heart "don't let any root of bitterness spring up in you." Well the good Lord knows that He and I have somedays done this easily and sometimes we have wrestled but I can say that as long as I keep my heart in a thankful position. Remembering how I don't really deserve anything that He has given me so freely. The thankfulness is the freedom from bitterness. And I have learned that having joy for others blesses me more than anyone. The joy is the weed killer that keeps those roots from springing up!
So here I am, almost a year later. God has been good. God is good and He will always be. We will always suffer while we are on earth. I pray this post is an encouragement to whoever reads these little words of mine but I also want it to always look back on. To see how faithful God has been. He truly breathes grace into all of our footsteps even when our feet have to walk through that valley of the shadow of death.
Love to you all. Thank you to everyone who has walked this journey with us over this past year. Each word, each kind thing done towards our family, each relationship reconciled, each heart softened, each life changed because of my baby's life and death; I pray that God will always protect, bless and grow each one.
I'm taking this moment to look back but determining to move forward. To celebrate every ounce of life that Isaiah had here and now in heaven. His birthday will be a time to celebrate.
"Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Candace
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