Heart Talking...

I remember before our little world was rocked this year how I used to do those 5 on Friday posts. Don't get me wrong, nothing is wrong with that it's just funny personally for me to think about the way I was before September 29th.

I thought about it the other night as I laid in bed with my eyes closed but my heart just wide awake like many nights, that the girl who checked into that hospital that night...that night that my Dr. tried to prepare me for, that night that I knew in my heart would be the last with my baby. The baby that I waited for 3 and half years to be woven in my womb. That girl, she is different. Rewind to the day that we had that ultrasound at UCSD and were blind sided by the news that our baby would probably not make it to birth and even then he would struggle to breathe. My placenta was failing and not giving him what he needed. My heart broke then. In those last few weeks of praying and hoping for a miracle I just told God, "I want to be faithful to you." I just wanted more than anything to be found faithful to Him. I was determined to lean in to Him...my strong tower. I just prayed that over and over in those weeks. While I was in the bed trying to rest my body and I couldn't play with my little boy that was begging me to run and play. As I would feel the pain and see the physical reality of the upcoming loss. I just would pray "Oh, God whatever happens, I just want to be found faithful to you." I knew I would break but I just wanted to break on Him. I don't trust anyone else with those pieces of my heart and I knew that I couldn't let myself be overcome by the shadow of death.

Fast forward to the delivery. I've never felt such shock in my life. I've never been so emotional to the point where I was physically sick as the nurse was pushing antibiotics into my IV and my husband was just weeping over our son. Weeping. It's a different word than crying. We got home and my mama was there. She had flown in and was taking care of my other baby for us. My husband kept hold of me every numb-legged step to the shower. My bed was fluffed and I was so ready to get in it. But then i missed him. I missed him in my tummy and I prayed. I was reminded of the verse "The Lord is near to the broken hearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit." At that moment I knew that I would not always be faithful but God, He always is! I knew in that moment that not only was he near but he was saving me...because a broken heart...that's one thing. To break a cookie...that's one thing-some pieces are still in tact but to crush a cookie...just crumbs-that's what my heart felt like. I could just feel His big ole daddy hand saving me. My earthly Daddy has those hands. Rough. Big. Tough. Just know, that you wouldn't want to be on the other side of his hand when you disobeyed but when his hands would gently rub my hair as he called me his angel...that's what I imagine God's doing. And that darkness, that shadow of death threatening to take me...His big ole hand was and is saving me!

There are so many things that this whole experience/tragedy/situation...I don't even know what to call it...has taught me. Everything can be summed up in one word, Hope. I went to a support group the other night. I didn't want to go. I have been blessed with a church family that has spoken truth into me and loved on me and God, Himself. Emmanuel. He's enough but I felt that I have a passion to encourage others and speak truth to them as they walk through this type of loss and share the hope that I have, so I went. My heart breaks for them as I write this. There were so many without the hope that I have. I honestly don't know how anyone deals with just life in general without Him but a heavy loss like this...it has to be unbearable. What's the hope? My hope in God's love and goodness (whether I understand it or not), the hope of an inheritance of heaven-not because of anything that I have done but ALL that he has done for me, the hope to be with the Life-Giver forever and for Him to introduce me to my little boy that has already heard my heart beating from the inside. I can't wait for that day. I love each day, I treasure these days even more now but when I go to bed at night, I sleep more peacefully knowing that one more day has been "x"-ed off the calendar to see Eternity. My Jesus. My Father. My baby boy. That hope is literally the oxygen to my lungs each day.

One thing that I want to put out there is that I love my friend's baby(ies). I have decided that I will not entertain any thoughts of jealousy or whatever. By His Spirit in me, I am going to think nobly and praise worthy! My sister and brother in law are expecting their first baby, a little girl, in May and I am overjoyed for them. Every child is such a gift. Isaiah was a gift. He was such a sweet gift. I can't wait to hold her and know that she came from the same Life-Giver as Isaiah and Walker did. I want to be invited to baby showers, I want to hold your baby, I am so happy for you (all my pregnant friends) that are having healthy happy pregnancies...I have had that before and I'm sure I will again but even if I don't I am fully capable to be happy and full of joy for you! I want to know your worries...in some ways I still am the old Candace. I still love you and I still want to be an encouragement to you and love on you. Hear my heart and please don't tip toe around me and please feel free to talk about Isaiah. I love to hear his name. I love to see little boys who are named Isaiah and then wonder what my Isaiah is doing in heaven. And also thank God that he doesn't have to feel the pains of a scratched knee or a bumped head or a bloodied nose. He wont feel that heartbreak when a girl breaks his heart or he doesn't make that team. He never has shed a tear and he will never will and I'm so thankful for that.

So I guess I'm still the old Candace but also different. Now I'm a little more sanctified in His love and that will make me a better friend to you!

So there's my heart to you.

Love,
Candace