Grief.
Joy.
The simple little life I have where the highlight of my day is when my child can sound out a 3 letter word by himself. When he looks intently at something and I literally watch the light bulb go off and his eyes widen as he figures something out or invents some new contraption. When he listens to a passage from the bible and then narrates it in his own little child like faith way. Amazing things.
Every morning in my quiet time though I still come back to asking God for more. More children. now. please. I waited so long for Isaiah and then he was taken back to heaven. Most of my friends my age have 2-3 kids and are surpised by a 4th. It's hard, yall. If it was up to me, I would have that many or more right now and be the frazzled, spinning in circles Mama and loving it. Probably not loving it because I would be so tired but deep down...loving it. I try to smile a not-so-understanding smile when people tell me how hard it is but i can't understand. My boy is pretty easy. I just have one. I have one.
"Your most meaningful work in the Kingdom of God may not be the big things that you do — but the one little person you love. " -Ann Voskamp
I read that today and it was like soul food.
I know him inside and out and we have had the same routine for years. He is my side kick and I am able to give all of me to just him. I always want to say to not complain about how crazy or tired that your kids are making you because there is a woman somewhere that would give her whole being for your crazy.
Perception.
God has gracefully placed me on this side of the "spectrum" that I never really imagined myself being. The side where we don't get to "plan" our family out. The Doctor says that nothing is wrong with us. I do believe that. We have had 2 normal conceptions and 2 normal babies (as small as Isaiah was there was absolutely nothing wrong with him). So I firmly believe that God just put me here. To have a heart for those that desire to be a Mama. He gave me Walker and I'm so thankful. I do believe that He will give me more.
Again, not my plan to be mid-thirties having babies but I will take what I can get :)
But I have a new respect. I can't quite understand infertility but I can nod my head in understanding with a woman who is struggling to trust His plan for her life. Although I'm still left speechless with words of encouragement because really she would give her being to have my one. I can't understand. But, I come down to the bottom line. It's this. My mentor that I had early in my marriage (actually when I was pregnant with Walker) told me "you are a dot on the canvas of God's masterpiece." That wasn't meant to mean that I wasn't important, it was meant to mean that dot is super important to the overall picture but it's HIS dot. Not mine. His life. He gave me His breath of life and I just want to be faithful with that. I hope that as I raise Walker up that I will do less "dreaming" about his future and more just encouraging him to walk daily with the Lord. Asking "what do You have for me today, what do you want me to pursue with my abilities that You gave me and who do You want me to minister to...guide me in paths of righteousness for Your name's sake (Psalm 23)"
I read the other morning about when Jesus was walking by two blind men. They were sitting on the road yelling for Jesus to have mercy on them. Jesus was passing by and they had one chance to get his attention and ask him for what they needed/wanted. They asked for Him to have mercy and that their eyes would be opened. I immediately replace the word "eyes" with "womb" for Him to open my womb again but then I thought "really?" if Jesus asked me a question much like the question that He asked Solomon and these blind men "What do you want me to do for you, Candace?" would I really take that one opportunity to say please open my womb-is that really what's most important to me? The answer is a resounding No! I would ask exactly what these guys did-open my eyes-open my child's eyes to see you and know his savior, open my husband's eyes to keep his gaze focused on You to lead our family. Sure we are thankfully not blind at the moment but we can definately be spiritually blind. Especially when I start focusing on "my wants." and what I think is "best" But I need wisdom to disciple my little disciple that is under me 24/7. To teach him with skills that no one gave me except the Lord. To be an extension of God's love to my husband and my child and build my house like a wise woman. To invest my eteranal treasure where moth and rust do not destroy. So more than anything I asked God for enlightened eyes. In-Light-ened. His light coming in and making me more like Him for His name's sake, not mine.
"From men with Your hand, O Lord, From men of the world, whose portion is in this life, and whose belly You fill with Your treasure; They are satisfied with children, and leave their abundance to their babes. As for me, I shall BEHOLD Your face in righteousness; I will be satisfied with Your likeness when I awake."
To be like Him. More than a belly filled with children. yes, Lord feel free to fill my belly with Your treasures :) But more than that I just want to gaze in His wonderful face and for my family to be hidden in the shadow of his wings. Wonderful are His works and my soul knows it very well. O, how marvelous, O, how wonderful is my Savior's love for me.
"This came about from the Lord and it is Marvelous in our eyes." Psalm 118:23
Love,
Candace
And because no blog post of mine is complete without pictures, here is some cuteness for you!
Doing some painting.
learning Math in a super fun way.
Walker made this first part of my grocery list- not bad for a 5 year old.
Writing letters and words in flour with his "finger pencil"
making brownies.
Eating pizza by the pool
testing out furniture at Lowes.
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