What do you say?

I remember being newly pregnant with Walker when I found out that a friend from childhood's baby died of SIDS. This jerked at my soul. I struggled with fear and worry. I had him. A perfect, healthy, chunky baby. The first few weeks were spent watching him breathe, stuffing pacifiers in his mouth and keeping him sleeping under a fan because I heard that these helped reduce the chances of SIDS. I really thought that somehow if I took every precaution that I could actually keep it from happening. Until one night, I was holding him in our bed and watching him breathe. He really stressed me out because he would have those breathing pauses like normal newborns do. Finally W said "go, put him down!" He was firm and really just looking out for my mental best interest. I knew he was right. How could I ever think that I could keep him alive. I was never the one who made him breathe in the first place. It was all God. He created him and caused his lungs to take their first breath and ultimately He has already commanded Walker's last breath. He is in control of his life. Not me. So I put my baby down. I cried for about 30 minutes and surrendered him up to His heavenly Father and I went to sleep.

I still fear it, though. Not that I am in control at if/when I have another baby. The last year has proven that so. But, if I do how do I not let the fear cripple me and steal the joy of a new baby. It's trust, I know but it's hard. This morning I heard of another mother who lost her baby boy suddenly. I haven't heard if it was ruled SIDS but I imagine so since the baby appeared healthy and was at the babysitters. My heart broke. I looked at her Facebook page to see what happened but of course there were no updates. How dumb, I thought to myself, if my baby died I wouldn't be updating my Facebook status with what happened! Then I scrolled down to see what everyone was saying. Just the usual..."you are in our thoughts and prayers", "i'm so sorry", "i'm heartbroken for you", etc. Somehow I thought I wonder who is holding her right now. Really feeling her pain on their shoulders as she grieves the loss of her newest bundle of joy. Do any of these words help her feel better? Maybe they do. I don't know because I have never been there. I just began praying for her as I drove down the road. My heart became fearful again. I heard this song.

And I saw my baby in my rear view mirror.

He is still my bundle of joy. I saw him in the backseat. He was listening to me sing this song through tears. He is worth facing the fear and even if God gives me another child...it will also be worth it. He is gonna know all my love. He will have all of me. Heaven brings us to the moment too wonderful to speak. I will recklessly love him even if I bleed. 

I prayed for her. That mommy. That mommy that is forced to say goodbye to her child that she just met. I prayed that someone is loving on her. What do you say? I think nothing is the best. It's what you do...you love. You love her through it. You love her in it. You love with all you have even if it's just for a moment. 

Candace