My mom found this picture of me when I was about 14 and put it on my Facebook. The First thing that came to my mind was "that seems so long ago!" then the second thing was a raised eyebrow that said "Why did you think you were so fat?" I know I do talk to myself a lot but really? Y'all I really thought I was so fat, I was so shy, so insecure and so...my adult mind said "so innocent." When that word came to my mind I felt a sense of refreshing come over me...I love that word...innocent. Hmmm...It has been a very long time since I thought of myself that way...innocent. So long in fact that I almost struggled to put that word with my identity but when faced with a portrait of myself that shouted those words to me I could honestly say Wow I was innocent. I mean I had my moments but in general, speaking in terms of rebellion...I was so innocent. I was so quiet and sweet, I didn't force my own way, I loved/liked everyone, I accepted life as it was and I was scared yep, scared to date boys! I honestly was too shy to form any kind of relationship other than my one and only friend that I had. Looking back, this was a good thing.
As a woman now when I looked at this picture I began to feel shame and regret. I remembered that not long after this I would enter a time of rebellion that lasted about 10 years, unfortunately. I went through a lot of hurt and many hard times and I was wounded. I looked for love in ALL the WRONG places and I knew what I was "supposed" to do but I deliberately chose not to do it...I wanted my way. I always struggled with my body image and I lacked confidence, I lost my visions, my desires and talents and purpose through it. I felt the pain of my now healed scars began to hurt again and I felt the hurt. I wanted so much to jump in that picture and have a re-do...you know? Just go back and try life again. Oh how I would have done so many things differently!
At 26 my season of rebellion came to a head. I found myself married but yet needing more and that's when Jesus opened my blind eyes. I surrendered to HIM, His purpose, and His Love. He began to heal all those wounds...He lifted my head. And over the past almost 4 years He has been trying to get it through my head how He sees me. How much He has forgiven me. How much He has cleansed me. How much He doesn't even remember! How can He not remember? Today He reminds me in Isaiah 44:22 "I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud and your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you." As I stood looking in the mirror but picturing the young innocent girl in the picture God said "That's how I see you...innocent" I just began to cry as my K-love app, at that very moment, began to play this song...
I promise I'm not kidding...that exact song came on at that exact time! And I know it was God saying..."and again you see through the eyes of a little girl"
Saved by Grace...Amazingly Redeeming Grace!
In Him,
Candace
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